Updated: Nov 23
On The Whorizon Interviews Mistress Kye
Blog Post Written By: MelRose Michaels
Mistress Kye has been in the adult scene for more than 35 years. She started as a brothel madam at a young age, and she is now a highly regarded and respected kink specialist and educator. She is the co-host of the Seat Of Your Pants podcast, as well as the host of the Kinkology Podcast.
On the Whorizon sat down with Kye to talk about the growing kink community and how partners can navigate conflicting sexual desires.
What you think sex workers and people who are Pro Dommes or pro subs can bring of value to kink spaces?
Mistress Kye: You know, it's funny. One of the biggest things I enjoy about being front and center, and at the Exxxotica dungeon, is that I have the opportunity to talk to so many regular folks, you know, vanilla folks. I noticed the first year of Exxxotica was that I would be like, Come on, we give you a little education, a little this, a little that. And then like, [they said] I'm not in pain. And I heard it over and over and over and over and over again. Or, I don't want you to make me do something I don't want to do. And it was just a running thread. And I thought, This is such a good opportunity to take that stigma away. That it's not solely about pain — I think that's probably like 5% of what's under the kink umbrella. So that's sort of one of the things that I would like mainstream folks to know about kink.
And the second thing I want them to know is that nothing occurs without lengthy negotiations and very explicit consent — it's just, like, talked to death. I've personally never had vanilla relationships that went that deep into communication, and I probably will never have a vanilla relationship again, just solely based on that. With kink, you come to the table and I come to the table, we talk about all the things that we want, need, and desire, and we talk about it to death, and what our boundaries are — that's what I want. I think all healthy relationships should have that.
I know there's some tension between the pro community and the non pros within BDSM spaces. Why do you think that exists, and what could be done to bridge that gap?
MK: It's almost like a whorearchy, and a lot of lifestylers — they're purists. This is their lifestyle. This is, you know, what they live and breathe and who they are. And oftentimes they’re in these power exchange relationships, and they see professional domination — not so much now, it was worse 10 years ago — where kink is being ‘exploited,’ which is ridiculous. And I see that a lot within the femdom community, where they don't want Pro-Dommes coming to, you know, femdom events, because they feel like the Pro-Dommes are there to troll for submissives.
And, you know, I know that does occur… But what I'm seeing more and more is because there are more and more Pro-Dommes, even with FetLife, it's just sort of saturating the community. And they're almost forced not to stand in judgment anymore because they have to get to know these people as human beings…
I really wish it didn't occur at all. Because I know it's very idealistic, but I mean, we're already so very marginalized. And the people that are doing this — I wish I could take them into a time capsule 15 years ago, and be like, Well, look what we had to fucking deal with 15 years ago, like, we were deep shadows. Everything was so private… We are really fortunate now that, you know, 50 Shades of Grey did that for the community, as bad as that book is…
Do you believe that 50 Shades is like a net good in that regard?
MK: Oh, 100%... Look, I know a woman who lost her house, lost her kids — she wasn't doing anything sexual whatsoever, it was strictly domination, strictly power exchange. She lost everything. And that was probably 15 years ago. So I was glad when 50 Shades came out, because it did pull us out of the shadows. Mainstream was talking about it. You know, it gave people permission to say, Oh, I'm going to take a peek over here, or, Let me drop it to my partner a little bit because everybody's talking about 50 Shades. I might be a little bit interested…
If you had somebody come to you who said, “I really want to incorporate some like kink or some BDSM into my relationship.” What kind of advice would you give them for opening up those conversations?
MK: My first question always is: How does your partner feel? What do you think your partner thinks?... I mean, you can't do anything without consent. You certainly can't do anything underhanded, or like you're trying to sneak your way into getting them to engage with you. So that's where we start: What about your partner? Have they given you any indication, have they not? And then saying, Okay, you need to sit down and talk to them.
And it's kind of scary to talk about these vulnerabilities. I wish there was a way that I could say to people, and for them to believe it, Your partner wants to make you happy, your partner wants you to feel good. And I said those things, and sometimes their own, like, insecurities or fears of rejection or accessing those vulnerabilities, talked them out of it…
Seeking a professional dominant or a professional kinkster will help you get that confidence, in a sense that it's going to help you understand what's going on. Like when you're experiencing it and you're going through it, you have a much better grasp on what you like, what you don't like — you have a much better understanding of what is stirring inside of you, maybe why it's stirring inside of you. And I think having that comfort of accessing that part of yourself will help you, then in turn, maybe have the confidence to go to your partner and say, “This is how I feel.”
How do you advise people to deal with conflicting [sexual] desires? How do you help couples navigate that?
MK: I'm a big proponent of finding your local kink community. Because that happens so often — where one partner is into this, and the other partner isn't… One of the benefits of 50 Shades is that local communities have grown, so just about anywhere you're at, you can find a local community… They're going to have all sorts of advice. You're going to see things that maybe you're like, Oh, okay, that's what my partner wants. Oh, that's not so bad. Maybe I can do that…
Not everything has to be fulfilled, because, you know, we have aspects of ourselves that are perfectly okay, just resting in the fantasy and staying in the fantasy… I have fantasies that I'm never actually going to fulfill because probably, they're not going to live up to what I got in my head. And a lot of people don't understand that, that it's okay for you not to fulfill those fantasies.
Some parts of the above interview have been condensed or edited for clarity. To hear the full interview with MistressKye, listen to On The Whorizon: What SWers Can Teach You About Consent.
Follow MistressKye on Twitter @MistressKye and Instagram @MistressKye. You can see more of her work at mistresskye.com.
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